I don't know how it feels when brain cells die....

...but I'm pretty sure what I'm feeling now must come close.  It has been 8 months since I have last been in school, and I have, for the most part, embraced my time off, and the ability to give my brain a rest after college.  However, there comes a point for me, when having time off to watch movies, read books, bake, cook, and sleep in becomes WAY too much.  Plainly stated: I AM SO BORED!  I think my brain cells are starting to die (not literally because of boredom, as several thousand brain cells die every day, but figuratively speaking). 

Although many students currently in the PA program have said to study anything before the program starts is as close to committing a sin as you can possibly get, but I have decided that I need some sort of intellectual stimulation before all of my brain cells die entirely, and there are none left for the actual program.

I have yet to decide what I am going to do in order to satisfy my need to learn and do something intellectual, but I have contemplated volunteering at the museum, or tutoring, or (Heaven forbid) simply pulling out one of my old college textbooks and reviewing some of the stuff I have learned.  I love learning, especially science, and that may just be the way that I get rid of this monumental brain cell-slowly-dying feeling. 

How I am currently spending my time off...

When I first graduated last June, having not been accepted to PA school, I was dreading the prospect of having a year off.  After all, it was in the middle of my PLAN (you know, the absolutely perfect, nothing will EVER destroy this, everything will go according to it plan?).  I had always just thought that I would go straight to grad. school after college, and never even thought about taking a break.  When all of that changed, I was not happy.  I had previously been a person that was adamantly against change.  And I really hated not going back to school in the fall, and not having a set structure to my day. 

Now that I've been accepted, I can fully appreciate the time that I have off, and realize how good it was for me to not get in the first time, because I really needed time for myself and to pursue things other than school.  It gave me time to rest and recouperate, and appreciate what gifts learning and education really are.

And, in addition to appreciating stuff, I am certainly occupying my time with nothing of importance or value, except to my sanity.  For the first time in forever, I am able to turn on the TV at night, flip through the channels, and find the worst, absolutely corny, tasteless, or mindless television show, and sit through an entire episode without worrying about homework or the exam I have to take tomorrow (unless, of course, it's Thursday, when I have a standing engagement with ABC for Grey's Anatomy...it's the only show I really watched during college, and always made sure my homework was done before the episode started).  I have also read a good chunk of the books I bought but never got around to reading during college, although the pile is still quite voluminous, and it will take me a great while to get through them.  I am just happy I have time to read again.  I have time to sleep in, make a real breakfast, enjoy cooking, reading the magazines that come in the mail, and really plan for the things that I will need to have in order come June. 

That is all...off to do something of no particular value, except to my sanity.  I don't know quite what that is yet, but will find out when I settle on whatever it is.

Excitement turned into frustration

When I was first accepted into PA school, I was absolutely ecstatic!  I couldn't believe that I was finally there, after all of the hard work and worry that I had invested into this goal.  Although I am still quite ecstatic, the predominant feeling that I am now feeling is frustration and worry about everything related to starting grad. school, such as filling out financial aid forms, finding a safe apartment that does not break my budget, and finding the money to make the deposit for my apartment, buy my medical supplies and textbooks, and other stuff.

When I was getting ready to attend college, I don't remember it ever being this difficult.  When I got accepted, I deposited and that was it...I packed up my stuff and moved into my dorm, and started college.  But everything I have to do and the timing of everything for PA school is so much different, and it's just not making the noton that I will be attending grad. school any more exciting or fun.  I can only hope that everything will fall into place for the start of classes.

Worries about being out of my element

I was just now thinking about how every time I begin a new phase in my education, I worry about being out of my element and not knowing what I am doing there.  When I left high school, I had graduated salutatorian and was part of the group at the very top of intellectual and extracurricular achievement.  But when I entered my first Introductory Biology class at DU, I was suddenly humbled and taken aback by the achievements of the other pre-meds in my class.  Seriously, some of these kids had done cancer research internships with their spare time during high school.  I was suddenly no longer at the top, but in the middle of a bunch of some really smart people.  But, as the quarter waged on, I settled into my niche and realized that I could definitely tackle college academics.  I ended up graduating with honors, and again, left near the top of achievement in the bio. dept.

Now, I am only four and a half months away from starting PA school, and I find myself worrying again about no longer being able to find my footing and being out of my element.  I am so insanely excited about starting school, and finally being at the stage in my education where I am learning about how to practice medicine, but at the same time, I am scared s***less.  I worry about not remembering the stuff I learned in undergrad, being able to master the complexities of Gross Anatomy or Pharmacology, and learning to find that balance between academia and time for myself that I found during undergrad.

Just some thoughts as I sit here finishing the last of my acceptance paperwork and battle some insomnia....

Recommended reading for nerds

Having this time off has allowed me to finally catch up on the reading I didn't have an opportunity to do during college, when the extent of my reading consisted of books with -ology in the title, and staring at anatomical diagrams of the peritoneum. 

Even though I got a little sick of reading books that were so science-heavy, it's quite ironic that when I do have free time, many of the books I read are about science or medicine.  Lately, there have been many books that have really entertained me, and made me re-examine how I think about medicine, science, and my part in it.

"Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers," a book by Mary Roach, was hilarious and informative, revealing how human cadavers are really used to benefit science.  Something I didn't know before reading this was that there is a difference between "donating your body to science" and "donating your body to anatomy."  When you donate your body to anatomy, your body is used to educate future doctors, physical therapists, PAs, dentists, etc. in the study of anatomy, and to reveal the intricacies of the human body to students.  However, when you donate your body to "science," your body can be used for whatever scientific purpose "scientists" see fit, including car crash tests, human decay, head transplant experiments, and other weird, twisted stuff.  Mary Roach has also written two other books concerning human existence, one about the afterlife, and one, "Bonk," about the science behind sex, which was equally hilarious and eye-opening at the same time.

Another book that I absolutely loved and recommend to anyone studying or interested in medicine is "Body of Work: Meditations on Mortality from the Human Anatomy Lab," by Christine Montross.  This book was so fascinating that I've actually read it twice within the past year.  It chronicles Montross' journey through primarily the first year of medical school, particularly her experiences in the Human Gross Anatomy Lab, and the relationships she develops with her classmates, and the cadaver whom she named Eve.  She also discussed the history of Anatomical study throughout the the last 2 millenia, a majority of which cadaveric dissection was considered illegal and immoral.  Considering how much I stand to learn and gain from the cadaver I will be dissecting in PA school during the summer of 2010, I find myself thinking how fortunate I am to be studying during a time when cadaveric dissection is acceptable and body donation is admirable.  As excited and grateful as I am to have the opportunity to participate in cadaver dissection, I am also a bit hesitant and nervous.  I will be cutting into a human body, deconstructing a body that modern medicine works so hard to hold together and re-construct throughout its lifetime.  I imagine it will also be slightly difficult to not think about the things that we do to the cadaver happening to me...it's just weird to think about.  There is something that is so different with dissecting a cadaver as compared to a dead cat, fetal pig, or frog, all of which I have dissected in high school and college.  But, there is also so much to be learned that cannot be learned from other animals.  I will get to see approximately what I look like inside, and the beauty that is human anatomy.

I'm already counting down...but I still have 5 months to go...

Now that it has finally sunk in that I'm going to PA school, I am REALLY excited to start classes...but they won't start until June 7th.  This is a good and bad thing, as it gives me plenty of time to prepare and get settled near the campus, but I am so excited and anxious to meet my classmates and start learning that it seems like an eternity.  This year that I've had off from school has been a good opportunity to relax and regain my stamina to perform well in school, but I am so bored. 

Paperwork and my best friend: the tuition deposit

Two days after I found out that I had been accepted into the program, I received a lovely manilla envelope with really lovely stickers that had my name spelled correctly and everything (you'd be surprised how many people misspell "Katherine" or "Katie").  Inside was a hard copy of my acceptance letter, which I fully intend on buying a frame for and hanging on my wall, as proof that I actually got in.  Since getting into the program took so much hard work and cost me many tears and restless nights of frustration, I keep reading the letter just to make sure it's actually real, and hasn't suddenly disappeared overnight. 

In addition to my acceptance letter, there was a pile of paperwork that was not so exciting or fun, and which I do not intend to frame and hang on my wall.  These were the official forms that were required to be filled out in order to officially accept my seat in the class, along with residency forms (these, though tedious, are vital to me because it allows me to attend school for the in-state price of about $27,000 a year, rather than $70,000/yr...boy, am I glad that I don't live out of state!), immunization forms, and the nice little paper to attach my tuition deposit to...of $1000.  Oh, poo...I always knew that I would have to pay the deposit were I accepted into the program, but when it's official, it suddenly seems like a ton of money.  Even though it'll end up being the best $1000 I'll ever spend, it's still a lot.  Oh well, grad. school is expensive.

So, while I try to celebrate Christmas and enjoy the holiday spirit, I have to fill out forms...yay me.  But, like I said, it's so worth it in the long run, because I finally got where I wanted!

I FINALLY MADE IT!

December 15, 2009 will officially be going down in my book as one of the best days of my life thus far.  Since I haven't gotten married or had children yet, at this point in time, it IS the best day of my life.  Much better than any Christmas or birthday (even when I turned 21 and was FINALLY able to order a glass of wine at a restaurant legally)...better than even my graduation from the University of Denver.  It was the day that I found out I had been accepted to the University of Colorado's Physician Assistant program.  Now, getting accepted to graduate school is a huge achievement in any case, but it was very big personal triumph for me because I had to apply twice, and the 2 years and 2 application cycles leading here were very long, emotional, and even frustrating at times.

I thought for almost 15 years (ever since I was a 4-year old enthralled by the exploits of Jane Seymour as Dr. Quinn) that I wanted to go to medical school, mostly because I was too stubborn to explore any other options in the field of medicine.  Usually, once I get my head on an idea, I stick with it until someone manages to pry it out of my tightly-clenched fingers.

When I finally figured out my plans, after waffling back and forth between PA and nursing and PT and all of those other fabulous career choices in medicine, I assumed it would be a piece of cake getting into PA school.  After all, I had been a 4.0 student in high school, graduated from DU with honors, and had placed well on the GRE.  I got into DU very easily and never even applied to any other schools, so I assumed grad. school would be the same. 

But acutally applying the first time ended up being a very eye-opening experience.  After applying to, and getting interviews at all 3 programs I applied to, including CU and Yale, I was rejected by all 3, which made for a very heartbroken Christmas '08.  I had never had to deal with academic (or for that matter any) rejection before, and I'm pretty sure I cried for 3 days off and on after getting my last rejection.  As someone who believes in God, I really couldn't see the reason for this amid my puffy-eyed crying sessions.  All I could think about was "wow, this really sucks!" and "why me?" 

When I finally got over my pity party, I started a major self-reflective period, and thought about my application, my interviews, and what was really motivating me to apply.  I knew that this was what I wanted more than anything...I didn't even have a plan B, so this HAD to work out eventually.  Even though I was still upset about not getting in, and wasn't planning on reapplying for 2 more years, my dad convinced me to turn right back around and reapply...what else did I have to lose?

I spent the entire spring and summer reapplying, which meant filling out a very long and tedious application all over, writing new essays, and a bunch of other stuff...in the middle of finishing up college and graduating, recovering from major back surgery (more on that later), and moving back home with my parents.  I was nervous throughout every step in the process, from finally finishing an essay after 10 re-edits, to submitting everything, etc.  Since I knew exactly what the sting of rejection felt like, I was so careful not to make any mistakes so as to avoid getting rejected again.  It's like those mice that are trained not to eat the cheese because every time they go for the cheese, they get shocked (yeah, I'm a huge nerd to reference psychology). 

By the time I finally sent off my application, I was a nervous wreck, and my mom was probably going insane, because as my best friend, she was the person I ruminated to nearly every day about the application process.  Since CU's program was really the only program I could imagine attending (not to mention it was close to my family and friends) I only applied there...talk about putting all of your eggs in one basket!  However, I was lucky enough to be offered an interview immediately...as in 6 hours after they notified me of receiving my completed application, I got an email telling me to come interview. 

On the day of my interview, I was nervous, excited, and terrified by the talent that the other 9 people interviewing with me that day possessed.  It's so hard not to think about how you measure up compared to their life histories and experiences, especially when they interview 100 people and only offer 40 spots.  Throughout the interview, I felt I was doing fairly well, but there were certainly a few questions that tripped me up, and even one where my response sounded WAY better in my head than it ended up coming out, and for the 3 months after my interview until finding out, I constantly worried that that one stupid question would ruin my chances.

After my interview was over, I felt terribly relived, and also terrified, because my part in the application process was over, and there was absolutely nothing else I could do to improve my chances of getting in.  It was all up to the admissions committee, and there was nothing I could do but wait...and wait...and wait some more.  I waited for 3 months and 6 days (yes, I was counting), and it was agonizing.  I am a planner, and I couldn't really make any plans past tomorrow until I knew whether I would be attending PA school or not.  It drove me (and I'm sure my family as well) absolutely nuts.  But the waiting finally ended on December 15.

I came home at 4 o'clock on Tuesday after being gone all day and not having a chance to check my email.  My mom was cooking pasta on the stove, and the house smelled amazing.  After dropping off my stuff and taking off my coat, I went to grab my laptop and bring it to the dining room table, so I could talk to my mom and check my email at the same time.  As I was going to retrieve my laptop, I jokingly said to my mom "maybe CU emailed me today," not at all expecting that they had actually made their decision and it was sitting in my email inbox as I spoke.

I had been scanning the "sender" column of my email for the past week or so, as the decision would be coming from the admission director's address.  When my email finally loaded, her name was the first to appear, and I thought "oh my God."  When I scanned my eyes to the left to look at the subject of the email, I found "CHA/PA Admissions Acceptance," and suddenly my eyes welled up with tears as I screamed "oh my God!"  My mom at this point had dropped her cooking spoon and run over to me to see what was going on.  I opened email and saw the word "CONGRATULATIONS!" and immediately started happily freaking out.  I slowly read that I had been accepted for the PA school class starting in the summer of 2010, in the midst of crying, hyperventilating, feeling nauseated, and flapping my hands around like a 5 year old.  I'm pretty sure that if CU had seen how I acted at that moment, they may have thought again about accepting me.  But I really didn't care...I was too over the moon to give any regard to my excited behavior.

My family was there to crack open a bottle of champagne and celebrate with me, and I later started thinking about how lucky I was, even though the reality of it hadn't come close to sinking in.  I was finally accepted, after being completely humbled by a painful rejection, and somehow finding the courage to reapply and chalk it up to experience and hope for the best.  Out of over 500 applicants and 100 interviewed, I was one of 40 people that would be starting PA school in June, 2010.  Even though I knew exactly what I had written on my essays and my credentials and my motivations, I still couldn't believe that I had actually been accepted.  It's like when you want something so badly for so long that it seems impossible, and when it actually happens, you still can't believe it did, or how in the heck you got there.

Like I said, December 15 is easily the best day of my life so far, because, if nothing else, it took me out of that awful state of limbo and allowed me to start planning my life again (all you planners out there will know exactly what I'm talking about!)